TFNation: my story
This is probably the gloomiest part of this blog so buckle up!
For years i have struggled with social anxiety, only a few years back did i realise that how i felt isn't how everybody is suppose to feel, when i stayed in bed all day instead of going to college it wasn't because i was a lazy teenager, it was becausei was scared of going outside, when i ended relationships it wasn't because i stopped caring for that person, it's because i was worried they'd eventually leave me, i just did the job for them, and everytime i had an opportunity arise that would be perfect for me, i didn't take it, because i thought i wasn't good enough, i didn't want to fail, because i was told by others i wasn't good enough, and that i would indeed fail.
The biggest example of this was when i failed my Visual Communications course, i felt like the teacher didn't want me on the course in the first place, and without the proper funding or resources, i couldn't complete the tasks set to me (i also had to work evening shifts just to pay the rent and survived off rice and bread) so i failed. Once my father found out he was furious, berating me for wasting his time and money, and telling me i wasn't good enough to be an artist, so i should give up and find a regular job, we rarely speak nowadays.
So for years i believed it, i'd continue to draw but for my own piece of mind, i'd post on DeviantArt, i'd post on Facebook, with a few likes here and there, but my wife would push me to go further, telling me i should write a comic, but the doubt was still there, the voices telling me i'd fail were still there.
I signed up to Twitter, it was difficult at first, trying to navigate hostile fandoms and generally awful human beings, but then i noticed that there were a lot of nice, friendly Transformers fans, and they got me more into the franchise (i'd collected the figures, played the video games, but was always on the outside of the fandom) and as such they inspired me to draw more Transformers art, and they in kind started to notice my art, it was a sybiotic relationship
close, but with less tongue
And then i heard people speak of TFNation, a Transformers convention in Birmingham, i could meet like minded individuals! i could meet people who weren't awful human beings! And what's this? The Forge? i could promote and sell my art! that would be amazing!
But what if it wasn't? what if the voices were right? what if everyone i met thought i was a dick? what if nobody bought my art? i'd have proven them right, it would destroy me, it would be like Infinity War times...what's a really big amount that just goes on and on?
thank fuck he never got the Gauntlet
But then, what if i succeeded? what if it went great and i proved myself, that i wasn't a failure, and that for years i'd just been surrounded by bitter, toxic assholes who just didn't have the imagination or willpower to believe in themselves? So after talking to my wife, who fully supported the idea, i said screw it, lets TFNation it up!
I got prints ordered (the process is a story in of itself), we asked my sister in law if we could stay at her house, we totally forgot to put our cats in a cattery (it was sorted in the end but....fuck), i was ready, i was packed, oh shiiiiiiii-
FRIDAY
I was nervous as hell on friday, it was only the socialising part of the Con, no trading etc, but i was terrified, ending up being a billy no mates and just melting into the wall never to be seen again, my stomach was having a tennis match and my mouth was so dry you could use it to sand wood, my wife drove me to the venue, and as we pulled up, i couldn't see anyone, my mind went into overdrive!
"we were in the wrong place"
"we got the dates wrong"
"it was all an elaborate prank!"
I walked in, alone, walked to the bar, and there they were, people i knew from twitter! Graham, the nicest man in the multiverse, greeted me and put me at ease, he introduced me to other people! i said hi to Thew and totally dropped the conversation ball by replying "i know!" when he introduced himself, killing any potential follow up dialogue (note to self and to anyone reading, treat people you admire as people, do not fanboy out!) I met some great people in the morning and kept meeting them as the day went on, i even went for lunch with a group of people for Churros, it was brilliant, but as i attempted to socialise, the niggling little voice came back "you're annoying, James, nobody cares about what you're talking about" so i would sit, and stare, and look around, and focus on something other than people in the fear that they think i'm staring too much at them.The rest of day was a bit of a blur(r) ,there was a quiz which i totally failed at (i realised my TF knowledge is pitiful unless it's G1 character names) and the rest was just hanging out in the bar, meeting new people and trying not to look lost in the sea of people.
I did have a bit of a funny turn in the evening, i thought someone didn't want to talk to me, i was worried i'd upset them somehow, but it's just that they were just as anxious as i was and we'd basically cancelled each other out, much like Cyclops and Havoc
"anxiety blast!"
SATURDAY (THE FORGE)
This day would be the most stressful, the really test of my metal (yes i know it's the wrong spelling, it's a play on words!) i was late to setting up the Forge table as i had multiple bathroom breaks before we left (too much info) and even as i got to the venue i had to go again! finally got to the Forge to find out they'd given everyone more time to prepare, my table buddy Nate had set up his side, i kind of slapdashed a layout and prepared for the potential failure.
And then it happened.
People came to the table and want to buy my prints, people would come over, have a look, point at one of my prints and smile, or say "that's great!" i couldn't believe it, if i died at the point of a single print sale i would have died happy, because i was vindicated, the naysayers were wrong, the voices were wrong, i wasn't a failure, i was good enough, i probably would have cried if not for the fact all the H2o in my body had gone to regulating my body temperature via sweat glands, i was making money, with my art! Nate was a great help in sales, in another life he'd be an MC in an underground speak easy during WW2 (i have seen Cabaret once) and he's a lovely fellow.
The rest of the day was mostly carrying around my toys i'd bought with the money i'd made while waiting for the cosplay contest and the Stan Bush concert, luckily my good friend Becka let me stash my gear in her room, and i was ready to see some cosplay!
I cannot describe how brilliant these costumes were, such time, effort and talent went into making them, and i'd show them off here if it wasn't for my terrible camera and it's shoddy focus, but they were marvelous to see in person.
And the Stan Bush concert, what a great time! all of his songs are so positive, they're on brand for this blog, as their lyrics are all about overcoming adversity, never giving up, having heart etc and you can see everyone listening to the songs wants to be like that, it's not just catchy tunes, the songs motivate and inspire those who may not be that confident, who don't think they can go on, it was a great thing to see.
I had a couple of down moments during the day, a group photo i wasn't asked to be in despite being part of the group, an artist i admire made me feel like i wasn't worth their time, but again, that may have just been because they were anxious too, and didn't know me, so as much as i took it to heart, i didn't let it affect me that hard.
SUNDAY (THE FORGE 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO)
The Sunday was a pretty quiet and short affair, less people in the Forge, plus i had to leave early to get home to Surrey, but the best part was having my wife and daughter show up at the Forge to see me, my daughter is too young to understand what's going on, but it was nice to see them, it helped me relax a bit more, i also got to help my nephew pic some toys from the dealer room, he wanted his own combiner team and a head/titanmaster figure, and to see his amazement at the wide variety of figures reminded me of when i was young, it's nice to see new fans coming into the community.
As mentioned i had to leave early, so i tried to find as many people as i could to say goodbye to, i thanked those who helped me, and i hope in the future i see them all again.
In conclusion, i'm glad i pushed through the fear and went to TFNation, i'm glad i pushed even further and got a table at the Forge, because otherwise i would never have known if the voices were right, i'd have continued through life doubting myself, i'd have never had met such wonderful people, and i urge anyone who reads this, to try and push yourself to do something you love, if you're a creator, if you're just looking to meet like minded people, just go for it, the fear will be there, and it might not go the way you hoped, but as i found out at TFNation, you can win, if you dare.
nothing wrong with a corny ending!
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